


Standing On The Moon

by where_shadow_plays



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Adult Content, Attempt at Humor, Eventual Romance, Explicit Language, F/M, POV First Person, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-16
Updated: 2017-12-15
Packaged: 2018-12-30 10:59:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12107262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/where_shadow_plays/pseuds/where_shadow_plays
Summary: 1st person walking dead. OC/Negan . So this is how it ends for me, I won't lie to you, I thought my death would be more spectacular, you know fireworks and stuff like that. I thought I deserved that much, but I guess I don't, I will die just like I lived, as a shadow of someone I was supposed to be.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> my first attempt to write a 1st person . I really hope you like it. Enjoy.

"Ugh, I am pathetic," I don't even know who I'm talking to; no one can hear me in this dirty cell.

If you asked me now: what did I do to end up here? I couldn't tell you.

Alright, alright, I am lying, I could, but I am not particularly fond of pity or people who give themselves the right to feel sorry for anyone.

You won't feel sorry for me?

I am not sure I buy into that crap but you are here and you are reading this so why the hell not, I got nothing to lose, soon they will kill me and you wanna know the worst part, I don't fucking blame them, I had it coming for a long while.

You see the thing is; this world was made for me, I am sure, some twisted divine heeded my prayers and now we got dead walking around, just so you know this was not the thing I had in mind that night when I sobbed into my sheets praying to God to make everyone go to hell. I just figured he would send them to hell not bring hell down to earth, but in all honesty, I wasn't quite precise when it came to the way I want that delivery to be made.

Well, at least now I know who ran the modern post offices.

My train of thought ran out of tracks now; I apologize.

Anyway, it's been two years now, probably more, I was not good at tracking time even when I had the clock and calendar to help me, since the dead started roaming around, poor things, I can't imagine a worse punishment than to be brought back to this shithole we call Earth.

I was good at that thing people call survival, all those years spent avoiding people by climbing on trees, later mountains and hours spent in a shooting range and gym, because I wanted to look and feel like a bad ass, finally paid off, and they told me I was wasting my time, take that suckers.

But I was not the only one who survived, so the chances of you finding something worth eating became slimmer with each passing day. I am not lazy, I would go and hunt if I could, but the thing is I still can't bring myself to kill an animal, man no problem, I ended lives without blinking twice, but an animal, noo, that was something impossible to me. Yes, I am a hypocrite when it comes to that, even now my mouth waters when I think about juicy steaks I ate every Sunday with my mama, back in the days when she could remember who I was, but to kill an animal and get that steak was something I considered barbarism.

Hey, hey, hey, no one is perfect and I for one am not even close to it so shut your judgmental mouth.

When supplies got slimmer, people become more violent so I moved, I moved a lot, mostly on foot or with bicycles if I got lucky and found one but with all debris shattered along roads tires never lasted longer than a week, why not cars…because I can't fucking drive, yes the badass who can shot a man directly in between the eyes while he is running towards her can't drive to save her own life. I tried it once, crashed into a three, I never tried it again.

With time, I ran into some groups, never considered joining them, that was not my cup of tea, but I did stalk them.

Why?

Well they had food and I was hungry, so I stole from them, no one ever caught me, I even saw some turn on each other, thinking it was an inside job, some got killed in the process.

Do I feel sorry for them?

No, I don't.

Why?

Because the food I stole from them they stole from someone else.

In this world there are no such things as murder or theft only survival, stay alive as long as you can and don't ask for a price.

Maybe I will burn in hell for that but it was something I have been preparing for ever since I learned about concept of hell from some man who told my mother she will go there because she had me but did not have a husband, well technically she did have a husband how else would she get me, just not hers.

I am particularly looking forward to that reunion.

I'm dilly dallying here, I do that a lot, it's a miracle I am this good at avoiding trouble with my short attention span, or I was good, to be exact.

Back to business, so yeah, I traveled a lot and found this amazing area with four different communities close to each other, this amount of people in such small space is bound to cause troubles, but it was not something I concerned myself with. Four communities meant four different sources of food, now if that isn't called paradises I don't know what it.

A few days ago I got into one of these communities with strange writing on the gate,

_"Mercy for the lost, vengeance for the plunderers."_

I took it too personally, no one threatens me with vengeance, so I decided to sneak into their little community and take as much as I can carry. It was a bad, bad idea; I barely made it out alive with less than a can of peas, I hate peas.

After that everything went to hell.

I spent two fucking days, watching this community that is held up in some abandoned factory. They had walkers tied to their fences, can you believe the shit people come up these days to look tough, but it was all for show, the more people try the weaker they are.

I was never more wrong in my life and I am a person who is wrong most of the time.

So they caught me, I thought they would kill me but no, they decided to throw me in this fucking cell to rot.

Fuck this shit, I didn't go to jail while there was an actually a jail to go to and look at me now.

I would make my mama so proud.

The sound of footsteps and someone banging on my cell door woke me up.

"Wake up, sunshine."

What the, I am no one's sunshine.

The doors opened and two men came into my cell, one had the most ridiculous mustaches I have ever seen and other one had a bat wrapped with barb wire.

Oh shit, of all psychos I manage to avoid I get caught by the worst of them, I should have anticipated something like that with my luck.

I came, face to face with that thing the man was holding as he crunched down, touching my nose with it.  
Damn that tickles and he found my sneezing funny, but by the looks of that grin on his face, he finds everything funny.

"This is Lucile, and she is a beauty."  
"I saw better-looking bats," one of these days my mouth will get me killed. Who am I kidding? It will get me killed today.  
I could see it on his face; he didn't take my remark kindly but in a second his mood turned around as he started to laugh.  
"You got some mouth on you."  
Good, he is a smart one, at least I will get killed by someone like that, I think there is no worse death than being killed by an idiot, it hunts your ego for eternity and I have some ego to be haunted.

"Tell me, everything you know about Alexandria, sunshine and I will let you live."  
What the hell is he talking about, Alexandria, what's Alexandria?Oh, wait… of fucking course, that's the place I got chased from with tail in between my legs.  
"They have tall walls. Their people have a lot of guns but are not very accurate shots, at least the ones that tried to kill me weren't," fuck him, he can to with that info whatever he wants, like I care, I just want to get over with this shit as soon as possible.

"Don't lie to us. We saw you walking from the direction of Alexandra towards us and while you've been watching us, we've been watching you," that man with mustaches spoke.  
I would give my left arm just to slap that smug grin off his face, he knows shit and yet he claims he knows how the universe was created, me from Alexandria, yeah right.  
"So, tell us everything you fucking know, sunshine."  
"I told you all I know already."  
"Come, the fuck on, I want juicy bits, layout, how many people, who's fucking who you know nasty things."  
"I don't fucking know, I am not from there."  
The man smiled, tilting his head, damn it, that was one Hollywood smile right there.  
"I know you are."  
"I am not."  
"Yes, you are."  
"I am not."  
"Yesss, you fucking are."  
"I am fucking not. Really, man, I can go on like this for a long fucking time I got nothing better to do."

Well, he didn't look amused now. Good. Hope he will leave me alone or kill me, but you know, blow my head off kind of kill not annoy me to death.  
Oh, God, that clicking sound he is making with his tongue is irritating the hell out of me, yes, he will annoy me to death.  
What did I do wrong to deserve this? Wait no, don't answer that question.

"I don't want to kill you sunshine, I don't like hurting women, but I will have to if you don't tell me the truth."  
"Cut the crap. Everyone is hurting everyone, that's just the way the world is. Don't let a small technicality like me being a woman kill your amusement."

And here it is again, his smile and that laughter, I am not sure should I be turned on or afraid.

"Negan, we are ready to leave."  
Thank God for small miracles. What the fuck is wrong with that man's face, looks like I decided to raid a circus show.  
Oh no, I hate clowns.  
"I am trying to get some fucking info out of this one here Dwight and you are interrupting me!"  
"They are on the move."  
This man is persistent, good, maybe it will buy me few more hours of life, not that I would know what to do with them and what's wrong with me, I wanted to die just a few minutes ago, damn me and my attention span.  
"Fuck!Simon, gather the man. I'll be out in a second."

Good, one is gone, one more to get rid off.  
"I am thinking should I fucking bring you with me or leave you here. Maybe you would like to see what kinds of nasty shit I got stored for your friends."  
C'mon man, you are supposed to be the smart one here.  
"I don't give a damn. You can kill me right now," I would prefer you don't, "or take me and kill me out there somewhere, dead is dead. And for the last time, those people are not my friends."  
"If you are not lying, why would I kill you?"  
"I don't fucking know, out of the goodness of your heart?"  
"Damn it all, I hope you are telling the truth."

And with that he closed the doors, leaving me alone in my cell. Guess that means I don't get to go on this road trip of theirs.  
Damn shame, I really miss pickle sandwiches.

My dreams of food were interrupted by the sound of keys and two men talking.  
"This is against the rules. You will get us killed."  
"Don't be a pussy, did you see what they have down here and like anyone will believe her."  
"Negan could find out."  
"He won't, he and all his generals are out. Look I don't care do you want this or not I do and I will do it."

Do what, kill me? So I am not going to get killed by the smart one, go figure, even at the end of my life luck isn't smiling down on me. I never understood why, I know I am not a model but I am not that ugly not to be lookable, guess luck is one picky bitch.  
"Hello, there little one," the man smiled down at me. Is he missing his teeth? God damn it, he is… oh please stop smiling I think I am going to puke.

I was wrong about him missing his teeth, he had some, it became quite clear once he dragged me in the middle of my cell and bit my hand when I tried to push him off me.

Oh, no, you won't, not this time, not again.  
I was lucky he was not a particularly smart man, once I relaxed he thought I was enjoying myself and got careless, one good kick in the crunch and his knife taken away from him placed into his abdomen and he was down.

"Bitch, you killed him!"  
The other man screamed as he slammed my cell door shut, locking me up again.  
Fuck, just what I needed.  
I'm trapped here with this rapist now, left to wait for my execution.  
I did not lie to that man who came here, but I doubt he will look away from me killing his people.

I bury the knife into rapist's head. I admit I have few loose screws, but I am not that fucked up to want to be eaten alive.

To top it all, that idiot ripped my shirt and this was my favorite one, not because it was my only one but because it had "queen bitch" printed on it, it is tacky but I loved it, now it is ruined.  
I am not sure why I am so upset, not like I will need it where I'm going. God, I hope I won't, can you imagine spending your entire afterlife wearing a ripped shirt. Now, I am not anal about things like that but even you have to admit it would fucking suck.

I don't know why I'm looking at this man, expecting he will wake up any moment and continued what he started, my skin is itching, I hate this. Why is no one coming to get me?  
What if everyone is dead and I am alone now, left here to starve to death. I can't remember when was the last time I ate something, so the death will be quick but I doubt it will be less agonizing.

I must have fallen to sleep because I didn't hear my cell door opening, but I did not miss anything that happened afterward as I was pushed up to stand.  
I hate being woken up. Why can't people let me sleep, we are in the middle of apocalypse what will I miss, doctor appointment.

"What is this?" man from before was back, he had blood all over his shirt and bat. Wait, are those? No, it can't be, how would pieces of brain end up on his bat and with that picture my dream of dying with a bullet in my head disappeared.

"A dead man," this was the worst possible time to be a smart ass.  
"I can fucking see that! Why is he here? And why is he dead?"  
"He came here, I killed him."  
I don't get why all these questions when answers were more than obvious.

He moved away from me, taking a step back, scanning me from head to toe.  
"Did he do anything to you?"  
"Yes, he ripped my shirt."  
"He did," the man took a step closer, taking the ripped pieces of my shirt like he was trying to glue them back together.  
"Did he?" he swallowed heavily.  
"Why do you care?"  
And like always, when it comes to asking a wrong question at a wrong time, I hit a jackpot on this one.  
"This shit does not fly around here! We don't rape our women!"  
Oh, no, you didn't just yell at me,"good thing I am not your WOMAN then! So I apparently don't fall under that protection."

"That's not how these things work."  
A good thing no one was here making any noise or I would not be able to hear what he said to me. The pity I heard in his voice made my nerves boil, who does he think he is, feeling sorry for me when his men were the ones who tried to rape me. And even if they were not his men, he was not the one who had those filthy hands all over him, why does he even care. No, I am sick of peoples sympathetic looks and those 'I can't imagine what you must be feeling,' speeches, no bitch you cannot, so shut the fuck up. I am not made of glass. I won't shatter if someone handles me incorrectly.

"Well, you fucking fooled me."  
"Shit woman, I was not here!If I fucking knew this was going to happen, you would have come with us."  
"Why does it even matter, kill me already and be done with this?

The door was slammed and I was left alone, again. This shit is getting old.

I don't know how much time has passed since someone opened the door, I am sure now, hunger will not kill me, the thirst will. That's it; I am done waiting, I'll do it myself, let that motherfucker stew on the opportunity he missed.

I take the knife out of dead man's head and bring it down to my wrists, just one slice and it will all be over.  
You will turn, you idiot.  
Shit, I forgot about that, I don't want to be one of those things, maybe he will kill me the moment he walks into my cell, maybe I will kill him, it's a win-win situation. But what if he doesn't kill me but ties me up to that fence, what then? I don't know what's it like to be one of those things, are you aware of your surroundings, are you trapped into that husk not able to control it, is it worth the risk escaping from one prison just to be thrown into another.

Shit, I don't want to do this, this is not me, I am not weak, I am strong, just like my mama was, I am her daughter, her creation. No, I won't go down without a fight.

The door is opened again, two men coming inside. Shit, not this again, how many of them I have to kill before this all ends.  
I scoop myself towards the corner of my cell, wishing walls would swallow me up.  
They take the man and drag him out of the cell.  
I expected to be left alone in the dark again, but the man who was here earlier walked inside with his bat in his hand, it was clean now, it looked like barb wire was changes, he smelled so good, I forgot how much I love the smell of man perfume, I always had a bottle with myself back in the days, I would spray it all over my pillow then fall asleep hugging it.

"Here, I brought you something."  
He gave me a bottle of water and a clean white t-shirt.  
He places them on the floor, picking up the knife I threw there.  
"You killed him with this?"  
"Why do you ask questions you already know the answers to?  
"I fucking love the sound of your voice."  
"Nice. That makes two of us."

Damn him and that smile.  
"You're not thirsty?"  
"No," yes.  
"You think it's poisoned?"  
"Yes, but I also thought that for the last meal, before execution prisoner gets to pick what he would like to eat."  
"True, so what would you like to eat?"  
"Big, juicy steak, medium rare."  
"Coming right up."

He is joking, he must be joking.  
No, he is not joking, not few minutes after he comes back to the cell holding a plate with meat on it. Oh, God, I died and went to heaven and I didn't know. Go to hell, my ass, once again I have proven everyone wrong.

I take a meat for the plate, taking a large bite. Oh, it feels so good, I swear it is better than orgasm.  
Just when I was about to take my second bite I hear him clearing his throat.  
"What?"  
"You might wanna use this?"  
"You are giving me weapons?" what the hell is wrong with this man is he really that confident I won't kill him.  
"A knife and a fork to be exact."  
"Still weapons."  
"Will you try to kill me with them?"  
"No, no before I finish my meal."  
"So I am safe for like what, five seconds."  
"ha, ha, ha, really funny. Give me that."

He is ruining it for me, sitting there, watching as I eat.  
"Do you want some?" I cut a small piece of steak, offering it to him.  
"No, I am full. Thank you."  
"Then stop looking at me with those big sad puppy eyes."

He actually listened to me. I can't believe it, but after few seconds I wished he didn't because he was now looking at the spot that man lied.

"Did he?"  
"C'mon man, you are ruining my meal."  
"Strict rules are placed against this kind of behavior."  
"What you want to know did he fuck me?"  
"Yes."

His eyes, locked on mine made my skin crawl, I am not a fearful person but this look could make a stone cry.

"No, he didn't do anything. I stopped him on time," there goes my appetite.  
"Your first kill?"  
I almost choked on my food trying to suppress the laughter.  
"No."  
"You find killing funny?"  
"No. But your question, yes."  
"Eat your food and get dressed. I will come for you in ten minutes."  
"Will it be quick?"  
"What?"  
"You know… my death."

He didn't grant me an answer, he just strolled out of my cell like I wasn't even there.  
So this is how it ends for me, I won't lie to you, I thought my death would be more spectacular, you know fireworks and stuff like that.  
I thought I deserved that much, but I guess I don't, I will die just like I lived, as a shadow of someone I was supposed to be.


	2. Chapter 2

Fuck, will he slow down or what?!  
Hey, I am a tall woman, but even I can't keep up with this pace and not that I want to, I am not in a hurry to die.  
As we walked past his men everyone was kneeling, I don't get it, why would anyone agree to shit like that, it's fucking humiliating. I for one am not going down on my knees without getting something in return.

I've been scanning his backside all the way, I gotta tell you something, it is one nice view, broad shoulders, nice waist, an ass that looks amazing in those pants… I wonder if there's any way I could die looking at it if something like a good death exists, I am sure that one would get pretty close.

Oh, finally the daylight, good thing I won't die in that stinky cell, fresh air is nice, it is healthy for you and even on your dying day, you should be concerned about your health. What if the bullet misses some crucial part of your brain and few inhales of fresh air will be all separating you from life and death.

Who am I fucking kidding, this sucks and I don't want to die, not yet, I got so much to live for, for example finding something to live for.

He is leading me to the fence where dead pricks are chained; there goes my dream of dying and not turning. So this is how it all ends for me, I will spend my afterlife chained on this fence, mindless husk waiting for someone to kill me and end my misery, slowly decaying and falling apart, for everyone to see. I've done many shameful things in my life, some make me cringe even now, but this is the new low for me. Why are all the pretty ones insane?

I've seen this people before in gray overalls, not the most stylish thing to be walking around but not the worst I've seen since world went to shit, or even before, when I used to accompany my nanny to grocery shopping, shit I saw in those stores can give walkers nightmares, if they slept. Do they sleep… hmmm… I never thought about that. How can they function without getting some sleep, I don't get it.  
Fuck, Eve, concentrate… this is not the time for this.

I bump into the man before me, great! Like I need to antagonize him even more.

"We are here, sugar." He turned around, looking at me, that stupid bat propped against his shoulder. I have to thank him, though, listening to all the stupid nicknames he has given me in my short time here, really does kill my will to live. I hate them, they remind me of time before, when I was younger and man would come up to me with all those sugar names and the sweeter the name the creepier the guy. I don't understand what kind of mental assembly must be hidden inside your head to think you will get into my pants by shouting, 'hey there little kitty, come here so I can pet you' while I pass.

"Now, I want to introduce you to our new resident."  
"I am not really interested in making new friends."

And again, that smile, I swear if I had teeth like that I would never close my mouth.

"And how about old friends?"  
This is tiresome really, this man is pulling out everything I lacked in my life and rubbing it into my face. Friend, what is that shit, all I remember is people pretending to like me, so they can get something out of me. It was always like that, my grandfather's name gave me certain respect in some circles, but that respect came with tonnes of phony people wanting to get good with my family over my back. Good thing I saw through their bullshit in time and spent most of my childhood and later years alone, on the trees or lost in the wilds of mountains I concurred.

Don't misunderstand me, I knew many people, but none of them I called friends, they were there, for me to use them when I needed them. Especially during my rebellious years, they were a great asset to piss my grandparents off and kill a few nights and brain cells. But they didn't mean much to me, not like threes and mountains did.

Woods and mountains did not judge, they did not care who I am, what I have and what I don't have, they didn't care about the way I was brought to this world, all they demanded of me is to treat them with respect and they would be my best friends, provide for me and make sure I got home safely. Those are kind of friends you want in your life, even after the apocalypse they made sure I am ok, that I am alive and that no one who wants to do me harm finds me.

As I look at the trees outside the gates, I can almost hear them scream, wanting to get to me, wanting to break down the fence and embrace me in the safety of their shadows, if only they could move. But they can't, all they can to now if silently witness how my faith unfolds before them and how their friend dies. I hope when I turned, they will tie me up on the fence facing the city so they don't have to witness what becomes of me afterward.

"D, please bring Daryl here, we want to say, hay."  
Man's voice brings me out of my thoughts.  
"I don't want to say, 'hay' to anyone."  
"Well sweet cheeks, I don't give a fuck what you want."  
"Whatever."  
"You know it's not nice to roll your eyes while talking to someone."  
"Well, I apologize for my rudeness… being held captive here made me think we passed the pleasantries like that."

The dark and deep chuckle, made my blood boil, he is enjoying every fucking minute he is able to pull on my nerves.

The scarred man came dragging another prisoner behind him. Fuck I thought I got it rough. The man was beaten, dirty and had no shoes, in the same washout overhauls as the rest of the people on the fence, with a big letter A painted on the front.  
He glared at me through his bangs, like I am the one who locked those chains around his hands and ankles.

"Well, hello there, Daryl. Hope you found everything to your fucking liking."  
What kind of fucked up, twisted humor the man beside me had. To his liking, what the... I knew some BDSM people in my days, courtesy of my only friend Sarah.  
Now she was a hand full, got arrested once while roleplaying with her boyfriend because police thought he was kidnaping her and even she would find this fucking disturbing. The prisoner looked like he just got out of the match against the undead in the mud, and lost.

Man didn't speak, just continued to glare at us. I will be honest, it made me uncomfortable, I don't know why but I stepped back, hiding behind the broad shoulders of the man who brought me here. I am not easily scared, but the amount of hate directed towards us, towards me, was just fucking disturbing. That much, it made me seek a protection of a man who held me captive here.

"Don't be scared, sweet cheeks, he doesn't bite." The man smiled, looking at me over his shoulder.  
What the fuck was I thinking, showing weakness like that?

Without speaking I took a step forward, going back to my previous spot.  
"Now, your fucking reaction told me more than I need to know, but let's just play it safe. Do you know this man, sugar."  
"No." I am done talking or explaining shit, if he believes me fine if not fine, to hell with him and this cursed place. I want out.

"Daryl, you know this woman?" The man turned to the prisoner, pointing his finger at me.  
"Yes."  
"You lying.. piece of…" The man who brought me here was the only thing stopping me from ripping that idiot's heart from his fucking chest. Why the fuck is he lying, I never saw him in my life.

"Enough!" the thunderous voice petrified me.  
"Someone if fucking lying to me here and we will shut this shit down, this fucking second!"  
"He is lying to you!" I don't know why am I even trying it's not like he will believe the shit I say.  
"Daryl, from where do you know this woman."  
"Alexandria."  
What the fuck, someone is playing me here.  
"You are fucking fast to sell your own." The man's face darkened as he brought his baseball bat in between him and the prisoners.  
"She is not one of us. She is a thief."  
"You… you tried to kill me!" Oh now, this is just fucking precious of all people…  
"What the fuck are you talking about."  
"He.. he shot me… or at least tried to."  
"Is this fucking true?"  
"No."  
"You are lying again!"  
"No."  
"This is fucking ridiculous… you see, I am not one of them. I did not lie. Can I go now?"  
"No."  
"Why, the hell not!?"

I don't know what I find more annoying his laughter or that stupid tilt with his body he does every time he finds something funny.

"Because I am not done with you sunshine"  
"Great."

OOO

I was not sorry to say goodbye to the prisoner, whatever his name was, I just hope I don't see him again and if I do, I hope I have my gear with me, so I can end his fucking life. He saw I was in danger and still he sold me out. Bastard! Where is that "help neighbor as thyself" or was it love, fuck I can't remember. Never mind, whatever it was, he did a complete opposite. Brhhhh, I hate people.

We turned right, why are we turning right, my cell is that way. Where the fuck is he leading me. Oh, shit, I am not in the mood for the grand true, but it looks like, mister I find everything funny, is.

"This is the marketplace, you spend point you earn to get shit you need, something like money back in the day. You work to get it and spent it to survive."  
"Wouldn't know anything about that, never needed to work for my money."  
"So we got ourselves, little princes, here, don't worry honey there are options that don't involve you to work to get shit."  
"I have a feeling there is a catch and why are you even telling me this?"  
"No, catch... And I am telling you this because you will need to know it if you are to get along with people around you."  
"Why would I, I never got along with anyone in my life and I am not planning to stay here if you let me live."  
"Oh, I think you will change your mind soon. Now let us go to my office to discuss business."

By his office, he meant his bedroom. The last time I saw a bed that big was the last time I was in my room at my grandparents' house, little before I went to that cursed hiking trip and little before the Earth decided it had enough of humankind and went to great extent to exterminate it.

"Take a seat, we need to talk."  
"I will be more comfortable standing, thanks."  
"I said sit!"  
And just like that, like an obeying puppy, I placed my butt on the soft cushion of one of the two armchairs placed across from sofa where he was.  
"You see, you are already getting a hang of it."  
"Fuck you."

I would flip him, I swear I would, but I somehow have a feeling if I did that, I would not have my middle finger for long.

"You know, that fucking tongue of yours could be put to much better use that to roll the curse words at me."  
And just like that, pictures came into my head, pictures that were not in it for a long time. I don't know what he saw in my face, but by judging by his grin I think he knew just what I was thinking about.  
"So, you want to put it to better use?"  
Tempting, I will give him that, but I am not that far gone. Not yet.

"What, you aren't going to even buy me a dinner, where are the scented candles? Sorry man, but for what I got you will have to work much harder than that."  
Keep digging that hole, Eve, keep digging it.

"I will give you much more than that, sugar. But we need to clear the air first. I am Negan and I am a leader of this people. We, we are the saviors."

The pride in his voice, wow, he really likes this place.

"Now before I explain to you the possibilities that I am offering, first I need to know a few things about you."  
"What makes you think I won't just make things up as we go."  
"Because I don't think you're stupid."  
"Thank you for the compliment. Alight shot."

"Who are you?"  
"You really don't know who I am?"  
"I fucking should?"  
"No…no you should not…" This is refreshing, I am almost tempted to make things up but I won't, I think half-truths will be good enough. "My name is Evelyn."  
"Nice to meet you, Evelyn, that's one beautiful name."  
"Thank you, classy just like me. And call me Eve, you sound like my grandma when you call me by my full name."  
"I'm not going to massacre such beautiful name by shortening it."  
"I saw your bat when you came to see me, yesterday, I don't think massacre is something you are unfamiliar with."  
"Observant one… I like you more and more."  
"Yeah, I am sure you will change your mind soon enough."

"Maybe, we'll see. I am not done asking questions yet. Tell me, Evelyn, what did steal from Alexandria?"  
" A can of peas."  
"You have to be fucking kidding me!"  
His face became so red with laughter, for a moment there I thought he is going to pass out.  
"You almost got shot trying to steal a can of peas? Fuck… that is fucking hilarious... best shit I heard in years."  
I don't find it amusing the way he mocks my misfortunes.  
"Fuck, you must really love peas."  
"I hate them. It was just the first thing I grabbed before they saw me. And I don't see what is so fucking funny, people die for much less nowadays"  
"And that is one fucking sad truth… you really fucking know how to kill the mood. You must have been a blast at parties."  
"I have you know, I am a very fun person… when my ass is not at the stake."  
"I bet you are."

I can't believe I am wishing him to speak; again, his look is making me uncomfortable especially when I don't have a fucking clue what he is thinking about.

"Alight, sugar, we established what you were doing in Alexandria. Now tell me, were you doing here, watching us. Did you plan to rob us?"  
"You bet your sweet ass I did. I for sure was not looking to join you."  
"And why the fuck would you not want to join us?"  
"Wow, I don't know. Something about dead ones being tied to the fence is just screaming, mad people around."  
"But it still didn't put you off from trying to relieve us from a part of our hard-earned supplies."  
"No, it didn't. I was not planning to go and say 'hello, how you doing' in the middle of the robbery, that's just not the way it works you know."

"Fucking humor me, how were you planning to get in and out, unnoticed?"  
"Patience is a virtue, man. I would have watched you for a while, sooner or later you would have brought some supplies, with that I would gain knowledge where your stock room is, after that just a little more studying the pattern of your guards, shifts change and shit. And before you know it, you are a few cans lighter on food and I am long gone."  
"And what do you think would happened after we found out someone stole from us?"  
"You would probably point your finger at someone from inside. The weakest link, or someone most of you don't trust and he or she would take a fall. In smaller groups, people usually turn on each other but you are not a small group and you probably have a system."  
"And you wouldn't feel at least a bit of remorse someone took the blame for you and probably died."  
"No, why would I. It's is live or die world now, not live and let live, there is no place for regrets in survival. Fewer people means more food, it's a simple math. A survival of the fittest and that kind of shit."  
"You are fucking ruthless."  
"Practical is the term I am more fond of."  
"And you are telling me all this and not have a bit of fear I deem you dangerous and kill you."  
"No fear? I am shitting my pants right now but if you want to kill me you will do it no matter what I say to you. I would rather go as a threat than as a liability. Die with some dignity at least."

"Alight, then.. it is all I need to know. Do you have some questions for me, before we proceed."  
"Will you let me go?"  
"No."  
"Fuck! No questions then."

"Then let me lay out your options. Fist the worst one, you refuse to work for us as a living woman, we kill you and make you work for as a dead woman."  
"That's a bit radical. Don't you think."  
"It is as it is."  
"So, I try to leave I die?"  
"Pretty fucking much."  
"Fuck…"  
I am at lost here, I will be honest with you… I don't want to be here, I don't like it here, too many people, too many walls and probably too many rules. I don't like rules, I never manage to follow them, hell, one girl even slapped me because I was cheating while we were playing "don't get angry."  
I never liked losing, or rules, or that girl. Sarah, bitch, with her perfect blond ponytail, her blue eyes, and perfect face. She got married to some rich guy just after the college and gave birth to twins only one year after. Sarah, Sarah, Sarah… I can still hear my grandmother singing the praise to her name. Sarah, the granddaughter she never had.

Where was I, ohhh, yes. Should I stay or should I go?  
Damn now that song will haunt me for days. I guess I have to live then, I don't want to die while singing it in my head.  
 _Should I stay or should I go now?_  
If I go, there will be trouble  
And if I stay it will be double  
How appropriate… Wait, was I singing it out loud.. why is he looking at me like that. Damn it… will I ever get my shit together… I am almost thirty for God's sake.

"Well, you got me cornered here so I will stay…as I living person."  
"Good, fucking choice…" he looked genially happy… that's suspicious.

"Do you drink?"  
"I used to…"  
"So what will it be...I have one fucking fine selection of alcohol here, some classy shit."  
"Beer will be fine… I don't want to taste one more classy shit as long as I live."  
"As you wish, dear Evelyn."  
I can't believe I am missing all the stupid nicknames he was giving me just half an hour ago.

I really missed the taste of beer, the person never learns how precious the little things are before he loses them, cold beer, warm cup of tea, electricity, clean water… I could go on like this forever.

I am thankful for these moments of silence he is giving me, it relaxing and I can't remember when was the last time I was relaxed.

"So, dear Evelyn, this is how it is, you have three options, or in your case two, for now."  
"Why two?"  
"Because the first one is you become one of us, you go on runs, make sure people here are safe and you don't work for points, you get a room on upper levels and live like a fucking queen, with everything you need."  
"And that option is not opened for me, because?"  
"Because I don't fucking trust you and I can't be sure you won't bail on us the first chance you get."

That is hurtful, true but still hurtful.

"Alight, I can see your point of view, I don't agree with it but I see it."  
His suspicions are well placed, I would leave them the first chance I got and I will leave the first chance I get, I am not planning on staying here but he doesn't have to know that.  
"I am glad you understand me. Now, let us go over the second option, you become one of the workers, get a job, work for points and buy shit you need. You will be sleeping with rest of them on the first level and live as they live…. Frankly, I would rather fucking die than live like that and I am sure you would too, but I needed to offer you that way out just in case you don't accept the third option which I fucking don't see why you wouldn't, but people are a fucking strange sort."  
"Tell me about it… alright… what it that third and final option?"

"Before we proceed, I want you to know I don't offer this to everyone and the only reason I am offering it to you is that I like you and I want to have you close. Come with me, let me show you something."

I am not as reluctant to take his hand as I am to leave the room. I really don't know what awaits me on the other side but I am almost completely sure I won't fucking like it.

I was right, ohhh, how I was right, shit… this is not the good time to start doing that.

The room, the room was filled with women, its like he has every fucking available mode, blond- checked, redhead- checked, busty short one- checked, tall slim one- checked. I guess I have to be thankful they are all dressed, barely but still, nothing is falling out, almost nothing.  
Woow, looked at the breasts on that one, I am fucking jealous, even with silicon's I couldn't get a pair of those… why does nature love some people more than the others?

"Ladies, ladies, can I get a minute of your attention."  
First thing I notice is that they are not kneeling, so apparently to keep a bit of dignity in this place you have to fuck this man. Nice…. this was sarcasm for all of you who didn't get it.  
"I want you to meet Evelyn, she is the newest member of our community…"  
"Evelyn….Evelyn Warwick…" reedy woman's voice interrupted him in the midsentence.  
Fuck… this is the last thing I needed…

"Is that really you?…. The Evelyn Warwick?" A blond woman approached me, her cheeks turning red… I know that look... she will start hugging me like we are best friends at any moment.  
"No." My attempt to get out of this mess is just pathetic.  
I don't mean to sound pretentious or anything, but the main reason why I liked isolation are people like her… why…why do you like me!  
I am a fucking bitch and still, people would approach me like I just solved the problem of the world hunger. All because my grandfather was rich and I was a spoiled brat who made headlines being drunk as fuck and a complete embarrassment to all my ancestors.  
"WAYWARD CHILD OF WARWICK LINE... NO ONE KNOWS WHERE SHE CAME FROM AND NO ONE KNOWS WHERE SHE IS GOING."

I still get noxious thinking about those headlines. One good thing about the apocalypse is my complete anonymity, something that I just fucking lost. Who would have thought that people who read those kinds of magazines were able to survive this long?

"Wait, you told me your name is Evelyn." Of course, his big mouth will ruin everything.  
"Really man, really…" and I didn't even finish my course of words, good for me because I am sure he would have killed me if I did, the woman grabbed me, pulling me into a tight embrace.

"Omg! You found Evelyn Warwick…" right he found me.  
"She fucking found us…"  
Yeah, rub it in a bit more, will you?  
"I loved you… you were my idol.. oh God, I can't believe you are here!"  
This is just ridiculous… this woman is not right in the head, me… someone's idol. Fuck, what's wrong with people.

"Negan, tell her to release me…"  
How I wish my hands were free so I can choke him to death… not only did he not tell her to let me go, he stepped away, looking at us with that same fucking grin on his face. Why I just don't understand, why does he enjoy watching me suffer?  
I wish I choose the death option.

In all honesty, a hug wasn't that long, but it was infuriating. I hate when people give themselves a right to touch me without my permission. You don't walk to a complete stranger in the middle of the street and just hug him, it is socially unacceptable behavior so why do people think it is ok to stop me in the middle of the street and give me a hug, or talk to me out of nowhere, or even insult me when I am just minding my own fucking business.

The woman stepped away from me, finally, but her hands still lingered on my upper arms and her smile was so wide, I swear if she didn't have ears her head would split.

"Are you staying here with us?"  
"Like I have any fucking choice…" I grumbled.  
"What?"  
And great, she didn't hear me. But guess who did, fuck, how he registered what I said from another side of the room and she didn't!

"I told you, Evelyn, you have plenty of fucking choices."  
"Die or stay here… wow, thank you for your generosity."  
I made him mad with this one, but at least he dragged me out of that fucking room and away from that woman. Him, I can stand him, maybe I would even have liked him if I met him in different circumstances but people like her, no, people like here never sat well with me, so better to listen to him ranting on about his justice than to listen to her squealing.

And we are back in his room, he didn't offer me to sit down, so I choose to stay standing while he paced from one side of the room to another.

"First and fucking foremost, you don't speak to me like that ever again!"  
Oh, noooo, you didn't just yell at me…  
"I will speak to you, however, the hell I fucking want!"  
"That is not how the shit works here!"  
"I don't give a fuck how shit works here! I am forced to stay here so you might as well get used to me talking back to you or kill me or let me go… I don't give a fuck anymore!"

Next thing I felt is his gloved hand around my neck and my back hitting the door behind me. His face was so close to mine I could feel his breath but the funny thing is, his hand was just there, he didn't tighten the grip, he was just resting in around my neck.  
If he wanted to, he could just end me there and no one would bat an eye, but it seems like he doesn't want to. Why? I don't have a fucking clue, if I had to deal with someone like me for five minutes, I wouldn't last two.

"Can't you see it, you damn woman," his voice was so low it made my skin warm, "I am giving you an opportunity for better life, life away from those monster, safety and you are ruining it with your stubbornness."

"I don't want a better life I was doing just fine without you and this cursed place."

He stepped away, wow, I thought my grandmother had the best 'you're a disappointment' face but, boy, I was wrong. The way he is looking at me almost makes me regret everything I said to him so far, almost.

"I gave you your choices, now it is time for you to speak."  
I don't like the flat tone of his voice, I don't know why I just don't; it sounds unnatural.

"So my choices are, to work my butt off for some scraps of food or to join those women in your own private brothel?"  
"Those are my wives, it is not a brothel."  
"I knew few priests who would strongly disagree with you, but whatever. Fighting with you is just useless. So let us just finish this shit. I will work, I will earn my keep."  
"Are you sure? I won't fucking ask you twice."  
"Yes, I am sure."  
No, I am not sure, I have a feeling I will regret this decision in an hour but if you chose the other option I would regret it in a minute. I am no one's second choice, or sixth in this case, or was it seventh, fuck I didn't even count how many of them are in there.

"Alright then, if you fucking want to work, you will work, we have a few job openings, I will be kind enough to let you choose what you want to do."  
"Ok," I am done talking with him, I wouldn't mind if this was the last time we spoke. But I am not that lucky, I just know I'm not.

It couldn't be worse. I could be dead.


	3. Chapter 3

I will tell you something you probably already know; working sucks ass, big time! This is just stupid, I don't know how I got myself into this mess but I need to find a way out of it and I need to find it fast, I don't even know how long has it been since I came here, a year or two.  
I asked a woman who works with me, she told me I came here two days ago, yeah right, two days, she must be senile.

After carefully evaluating my choices, I decided that the job in the laundry room was best suited for me. I was wrong, again.  
In all fairness, my careful evaluation lasted five minutes, I didn't know how to do shit out of the options I was given, so this seemed like the best idea, it was something I did before the apocalypse, it was one of the basic skills of survival in modern society, that and knowing how to hide how drunk you are while trying to avoid speeding ticket.

What was I saying before? Oh, yeah, working sucks. I don't understand how my cousin managed to enjoy it so much, to the point where it ruined his marriage because he placed his work before his wife. Not that it mattered much to my grandfather, he has already given him an heir, putting himself on the top of the food chain in the Wayward family, with his dear sister in the second place.

Where was I? I was not even in family pictures, let alone in that list.  
No, don't feel bad about them not inviting me to the shooting, they did, I just never showed up and when I did, I wasn't, what would my grandma call it, 'presentable', I don't understand what was the problem with green hair, it's a color like any other.

I was talking about work, yeah, it sucks, I already said that, alright.  
Not everything is bad, I haven't seen Negan since I came here, as I understood this is not a place he checks out, regularly, and why would he, not like we could start a rebellion here with panties as our weapon of choice. It just wouldn't work, most of the laundry we have here is cotton and it doesn't have a swing to it, now lace, lace laundry would be much better for something like that. Yes, I thought about that strategy. Hey, don't judge me, the brain comes up with many crazy ideas when you let your thoughts run freely, you know I'm right, and you are now smiling because you remembered what your brain came up with just two days ago. By the way, shame on you.

Speaking of lace laundry, here comes one of Negans wifes, and you guessed which one, this is going to be a long day. Alright, maybe I am panicking without reason, maybe she will drop the laundry bag to Susan or was is Marry, fuck if I know, she is in charge of their things, they are just too sensitive to be given into any but well-trained hands.

"The new girl is the one who will be cleaning your things from now one. Negan's orders."

What new girl? Fuck, I am the new girl. Fuck, fuck, fuck… Good, now I can panic with reason.

"Eve, you work here?" So she didn't know that, well great, one more bullet I didn't dodge, I wish one would kill me so I can be done with this shit. This is just ridiculous, when did my life become a badly written sitcom.  
"Yes Amber, I work here, why else do you think I am sitting on this bench elbows deep in cold water."  
"Yes, I see."  
She is smiling down on me, but not ridiculing kind of smile, genuine, I am happy to see you smile. Something is wrong with this woman, no one is ever happy to see me.

"Sooooo, do you like it here?"  
Is she serious? Oh, shit, she is, like it here…what the… why? Why would anyone like it here? The place is too big, too crowded and some people here smell worse than walkers and everyone is talking, there is not a moment when someone is not talking about something. You wake up someone is blabbing about their daily plans, you come here, one of the women's is gossiping about one of the whores from the kitchen who gave that one Saviour one spoon more of mash potatoes than the other one, because apparently, that is a sign you want to fuck someone here. And then you wake up in the middle of the night and someone is speaking in their sleep, or someone cant sleep so he or she decided it is the best time to catch up with some random person who shares his or her faith. So, no I fucking hate it here.  
"No…"No, will suffice, I don't want to go into the details, not with all those women around us and it is not like I want to prolong her stay here.  
"Oh…That's sad to hear."  
Her eyes fell down while the side of her lip got stuck in between her teeth. I don't see why is she thinking so hard, trying to keep this conversation going.

"Why didn't you stay with us? Negan asked you, didn't he?"  
"Yes, he asked me." This is tiresome, I want her to leave and just let me do my job, even that is better than this pointless chitchat.  
"So why didn't you say, yes."  
Oh God, not this question again, I lost count about how many people asked me the same thing, I was surprised at first, but seeing how this place functions, you cant talk to someone without it spreading like a wildfire.

"I don't want to be one of his wives, that is all there is to it."  
I told her the same thing I told anyone else, but unlike everyone else around me, who got a hint that that topic is closed for discussion, she continued to pick and prod.  
"But why? It's not a bad life, most of the things we get are not obtainable with points."  
"Because I don't want someone to fuck me just because I want a new lipstick."  
Never in my life could I stay calm when someone questioned my decision, and this was not an exception.  
"Well, you don't have to sleep with him if you don't want to."  
"And you want to?"  
"No..I…I."  
"Then why? Why are you doing it?"  
"Because you can say no many times before you are kicked out."  
"So, you don't have to if you don't want to, but still kinda do."  
"It's not like that…"  
"Eliminate me."  
"All I'm saying.. this is not a life for you Eve. Not a life worthy of someone like you."  
I always wondered am I the only one who hears the snapping sound, like a wooden stick breaking in half the moment you lose it.  
"You don't fucking know me! Don't act like you do! You don't! How the fuck could you know what kind of life suits me best!? Don't come here acting like we are lifelong friends! I don't do friendship shit and I certainly don't take kindly to people giving themselves the right to even think they know what is best for me! Now give me that fucking bag you came here to deliver and leave me to do my fucking work! Some of us here don't get food on our table by just spreading the legs!"

It was uncalled for, I know it was but man, not only did she pushed all my buttons, she slammed the stuck.  
And there she goes, running away all in tears. Fuck, I will pay for this I know I will.

OOO

Two house later, while trying to get I don't know what stain, and I don't want to know, from one of the corsets Amber gave me, I am still thinking about her words. This is not a life for me, she was right about that, I never had to do anything like this, I am not a spoiled brat, this is not something I am capable doing correctly. But being one of his wives, noo, that was even a worse option for me. I am a survivor, a fighter, I can sneak past the horde of walkers without them catching my scent, that's where I should be, out there, fighting.

"Everyone out!" Just like a thunder in the middle of the night, a loud male voice woke me up from my thoughts. It took me a few seconds to realize who it was and I was the only one because the rest of the women kneeled down while I was the only one who remained standing, frozen in time.

"Are you fucking deaf! I said get out! All of you… now!"  
The time unfroze itself, and everyone dropped what they were doing, going out of the room so I followed, after all, he did say, everyone.

"Not you Eveline, you stay here."  
Fuck here it comes, I knew I would pay for my little outburst, alight, not that little, but still, I don't see why he has to get in the middle of it. I decided to kneel down, aggravating him more would not do me any good.

"It's a bit late to get down on your fucking knees now, don't you think?"  
"Better ever than never."  
"Get up…"  
He doesn't have to tell me twice, having to get down on your knees every time he passes by was the most annoying and the most pointless rule of this place. One that served nothing but his ego.

He's been pacing around the room for some time, so I decided to sit on one of the washing machines, it Is annoying, him just walking up and down the room, silent, with that bat in his hand. Why is he carrying that thing everywhere he goes is beyond me, but then again, many things here are.

"Why is Amber up in her room, crying her eyes out?"  
Finally, it speakers.  
"How the fuck should I know." My butt just got the warm, a side effect of that saying 'liar, liar pants on fire' I know it is just saying, now, but when I was a kid I genuinely thought they get caught on fire, so every time I lied I had a feeling my legs or butt were burning, which was kinda stupid because as a small child I wore mostly skirts. When I got older, I realized it was all bullshit but the feeling remained.

"You are a poor liar Eveline. She came down here before she ran past me a few minutes later back to her room, chocking in tears and she hasn't stopped crying since. I usually don't pay half of the shit to her outbursts but my head is killing me and I need my fucking peace. So I won't fucking ask you again, why is she fucking crying?"  
He got into my face again, I won't lie, I started to like it, yes I am fucked up person, if you didn't realize it by now, I don't know why are you still here. His vicinity is just… nice. Huh, who would have thought, I need to aggravate him more, it will take away much of my lifespan, but if I have to spend the rest of it here, it is worth it and he smells so good… Fuck, what was he saying?

"I fucking asked you something, Eveline…"  
"I'm sorry, what?"  
He placed his hands on my sides, trapping me in the middle. He knows exactly what he's doing, I can see it, he is smiling, when he has every reason to yell. All through my life I met many people who got on my nerves, it was not something unfamiliar to me, but no one ever did it deliberately, until now.  
As he leaned closer I wanted to back away, but where could I go? I can run, but in this cursed place I cant hide, not when everyone is his eyes or ears, trying to win a favor by providing his generals with all the information possible, from who's shitting where to who's fucking who, it is like a high school all over again with everyone wanting to sit on the 'cool table'. And then there is me, sitting on the cold washing machine, yes, it is high school, all over again.  
I closed my eyes as the tip of his nose touches mine, he is too close, I think I am having a respiratory failure, fuck, it is hot in this room, never noticed it before.

"Why is Amber crying," his husky voice is giving me goosebumps. Fuck, Amber, crying, yes, fuck, fuck, fuck, get a hold of yourself, I am in too much shit as it already is, I will choke is I fall deeper.  
"I…I…" me, at loss of words, this is a fucking new one.  
"What did you tell her Eveline?"  
"I…" Alight, if I speak up he will move away, then I can get my composure back and maybe get out of this mess with my pride and all my body parts intact. "I… I told her some things, I maybe shouldn't have in a way that was maybe a bit harsh and she may have taken it too close to heart."

Good, he moved away, finally, air, fuck, air is nice.  
"What exactly did you tell her?"  
Now I wish he didn't move away, me sitting and him standing and looking down on me is not a position I wanted this conversation to be held in.  
"To leave me alone to do my job…" I hope this satisfies his curiosity.  
"Aaaand?"  
"And what?"  
"Don't play fucking dumb with me Evelin, there has to be more, Amber is too fucking sensitive but even she is not that fucking sensitive. So, my gut whispers to me, and my fucking gut is always fucking right, there is more to it than just you telling her to go away."  
He wants the whole truth, and nothing but the fucking truth, that he will have it… Careful what you wish for, fucker.  
"Yes, I told her to leave me alone because some of us don't get food on our plates by spreading our legs and faking an orgasm."  
"How the fuck do you know she is faking it?"

Of course, he will hang on that part, men.  
"And how do you know she is not?"  
"Because I am in the same fucking room with her, that's why!"

It amuses me how he thinks he knows everything.  
I close my eyes and start breathing heavily, running my hands through my hair.  
"Oh… yes… yesss.. there….that feels soo good…"  
"Evelin what the fuck are you doing?"  
"Oh.. yes… I am so close… harder…" I stop talking, breathing rapidly, letting my head fall back and my eyes roll upwards as I fake a climax.  
I know the drill, you can hear 'are you close. I'm coming' just so many times before you say, fuck this and just decided to fake it. He is coming and I haven't even started, the story of my life.

I wish I had a camera, his expressions, it is fucking priceless, he didn't see that one coming. Hahaha, coming, get it. No? No one? Well, I think it is hilarious.  
"Fuck, that was hot!"  
Is her for fucking real, he is… damn it all…I was trying to make my point not get him all worked up, does his brain have only two settings, kill-kill-kill, fuck-fuck-fuck.  
"I was just trying to show you something."  
"Oh, you showed me fucking something, now let me show you something."  
He is back where he was, spreading my legs and coming in between them, "you fucking showed me how women fake it now let me show you why not one ever did that shit with me."

One thing is to be confident and another one entirely to be obnoxious.  
"Not if you were the last man alive…"  
I really hope he is buying it, if he doesn't move away or does something else, I would buckle down.  
Fuck… since when am I such a pussy.  
"I don't believe you, Eveline…"  
I am not surprised, I was never a good liar, which is kinda sad, because I lie a lot.  
I need to get this conversation back on track.  
"I told you, no!"  
I pushed him a bit too hard, I realized that when he bumped into a machine across from me, making his bat fall down on the floor, I didn't even realize he left it there.  
I am in trouble now…

"You know fuckin what…" I never saw a person struggling to keep his anger in so hard as he is now and I never expected him being the one doing it.  
I hopp down from my spot, I've done enough damage sitting there and when I stand we are almost at the same eye level, almost.  
"I'm sorry…I overreacted."  
"I am not the one who you should be apologizing to. Now fucking listen to me, Evelin… You made it clear you don't want to have anything to do with me, I can fucking get a clue."  
"I…I…"  
"Shut the fuck up! But I don't want to hear you, ever again talking shit about my wife's who made different decisions!"

He is yelling at me, again…. Keep it in, Eve, keep it in… fuck…  
"I won't get into their business the moment they stop getting in mine! I didn't come here by my own choosing, and God fucking knows me staying here is not my choice! But I will be damned if I will let anyone dictate me the way I will make my life here! I don't need a lover who will disappear the moment shit hits a fan, I don't need a fuck boy who is only interested in dumping his shit into my dumpster and I for sure don't need friends who will say one thing to me and then go and sell the different story to someone behind my back!"  
"It's no one's fault you suck at choosing people who you let close to you!"  
"Seeing you reacting like this after I said no to you makes me realize I am becoming better at that shit, thank you very much."

When he turned his back on me I expected him to leave, most people would, but he is not most people is he, he just stood there, watching the door, when he spoke again his voice was soft.  
"Ambers mother is sick… they were never rich, they barely made the ends meet, one foundation helped her to pay for her medicine… Fuck, I'm lying, they didn't just help her, they were paying for it, all of it."  
"Why are you telling me this?"  
"You figure it fucking out, genius. You are Ambers hero, you saved one person she cares about the most."  
"I didn't do shit."  
" 'Angel Lillian' was your foundation?"  
"So what?"  
"I don't understand you Evelin, you helped many people before this shit happened and all you can say to that is, so what?"  
"I saved no one… I had money I didn't want or need so I gave it away to people who needed it, 'Angel Lillian' was named after my mother, money I gave them was money that was coming to me after I inherited shares of one of my grandparent's company she left me, it was her, not me, who helped those people along with doctors and people who managed the resources. I was just a piggy bank nothing more, I wrote a check once a month and sent it to them, I never set foot in that foundation, never moved my finger to help them collect more founds. So I am telling you again, I didn't do shit for her mother and her admiration is misplaced."

I don't like how he's looking at me, where is his anger, I want his anger, not that… whatever that is.

"She doesn't have to fucking know that, right?"  
"And why doesn't she?"  
"Because you are the only reminder that good things happened once and that maybe they will happen again. Why would you take that hope from her? You are her good omen."  
"Hope is stupid, it never leads to good things."  
"Just because you are fucked up enough to believe that doesn't mean other people are."

And with that, he is gone.  
I hate he left me like this, with millions of things to say to him, I didn't want him to leave yet, I want to yell at him, I want to tell him he is wrong.  
I didn't feel so alive in ages as I did for last half an hour.

OOO

Last night, I slept like shit, thinking about all the things Negan said to me, and when I did manage to actually close my eyes and drift away, his words were hunting me. Hope is shit, I know that, I may be wrong about many things but not when it comes to that.

Hope, you wanna know what hope does. It turns a happy little girl into a bitter adult. Hope, hope is when they tell you your mother will make it through and next time you see them they are leading you to her dead body so you can say goodbye.

Hope, hope is when you think someone finally looked pass your money and all the flaws and learned to love you, only to find out it was all one big fucking lie. Hope is when you think you will get out of it unscared and then the person who you trusted your life with chooses to hurt you in the most gruesome and disgusting way, as a, and I quote, 'farewell gift for Warwick princess.'

So no, he can stuff that hope up his ass. I am not a good person, but I am not that fucking twisted to give something like that to anyone, no one deserves that shit.

Things at work were no better, everyone is looking at me like I stole their boyfriend or husband. I… I don't know why?  
Was it because they heard me yelling at their precious God, or was it because they think I am fucking him, probably both. Just now I realized they must have been outside of the room, waiting for the moment they can get back to their duties, so they probably heard me moaning. I really need to think before I act.  
Good thing they didn't hear the rest of our fight, because when Negan yells everyone runs away, no matter how curious they are.

I'm so tired of their looks, the next thing I know is I am holding a basked with cleaned laundry and standing in front of the door of Negans brothel.

What am I doing here…. Fuck if I know. Returning their things to them?

The door opened before I could ever knock.

"May I help you?" Tall, brunette, was the one to greet me, she was clearly on her way out but stopping me to enter their little kingdom was obviously more important than whatever she had in mind.  
"I brought you your things back."  
"Usually we come and picked them up."  
"Oh…" I knew that "I wanted to talk with Amber."  
"Why? So you cant make her cry again?"  
Alight, then, now I know where that inhospitality is coming from. Does everyone here know everything?

"No."  
"Than what do you want from her?"  
"What I want from Amber is only between me and Amber."  
Who does she think she is, it is enough I have to justify everything I do to Negan, now she thinks she can question me.  
"Well, she doesn't want to speak with you."  
"Well, let her come out and tell me that."  
"To do that, she would have to speak with you."  
"Well, aren't you a clever little cupcake."  
I'm done, I tried to apologize, not my fault they won't let me, it's the thought that counts right?

"I'll talk with her, Sherry."  
Fuck, I hoped this will end here, but as always luck is having its fun with me instead of helping.  
"What do you need, Evelin?"  
"Don't call me, Evelin." I hate how my name rolls out of people mouth. It's Eve, it has always been Eve.  
"And how do you want me to call you?"  
"Eve…"  
"What do you want?"  
"I…I came to apologize about yesterday."  
I thought I was the only one surprised with those words coming out of my mouth but by the look on her face, I was not alone.

"Really?"  
"Well, yeah… I… I overreacted…" like I always do, "I should not have told you all those things I did. You were just looking out for me and you had the best intentions. All the things I said, were uncalled for and once again, I'm sorry."  
"Did Negan put you up to this?"  
"What?"  
Really, the first time in my life I mustered a decent apology and she thinks someone else put me up to it. Am I really that bad at saying, sorry?  
"What…Negan. Negan cant put me up to shit… Alight, maybe he can put me up on the fence, which I am surprised he already hasn't, but that is where his power ends."  
Keep telling it to yourself, Evelin, maybe one day you will believe it.  
I made her laugh, good, that is a good sign, right?

"So… will you accept an apology?"  
"Yes…"  
Huh, that was easy.  
"Friends?"  
What, what did she just say? I looked down and her hand is waiting for mine, a handshake, friends. I didn't fucking sign up for that I just came here to clear my conscience so I can fucking sleep.

"Sure… why the hell not…" What am I saying? I looked down and my hand is in hers, whoever or whatever is controlling my body needs to stop that shit, right now. Next thing I know, she is hugging me, again. Fuck this shit, I guess I have a friend, let's see how long that will last.

As I say goodbye to my new 'best friend,' that fucker who made me rethink my actions is waiting for me at the end of the hallway, smiling. Why wouldn't he smile? He fucking won!

I will just walk past him, he can forget about me kneeling I am not in the mood for games. As I was about to reach the steps, I felt his hands locking around my upper arm, making me turn around and face him.  
"What did I do now?" I know exactly what I did, but let him think it just slipped my mind.  
"Nothing…"  
Ok, that I didn't expect.  
"I just wanted to tell you I am fucking proud of you."  
Proud of me? Is he fucking joking? No one was ever proud of me, maybe my mother, but that doesn't count, not eating all the crayons can't actually be called a success.  
No, he is not proud of me, I can see it in his eyes, he is gloating.  
"Go fuck yourself…"  
"Why would I do that, when I have six eager women ready to do it for me."  
He is right, he does. No, I am not jealous, not at all.  
"And I want to let you know, the position for seventh is still opened if you change your mind."  
"I already told you, not even if you were the last man alive."  
"And I fucking told you I don't believe you."  
"Even if I want to fuck you, I won't ever do it as a part of a shit show you are running up here."  
"We'll see Evelyn."  
"Oh, we fucking will."

We fucking will, he doesn't have a clue what he has gotten himself into. If he wants to play games, then I will be more than happy to play, after all, what is it to do around here, I will find a way out of this shit hole, but until than, I will have my fun.  
I am Warwick and we play to win.


End file.
